Hee! A Local Habitation is available on mp3 CD! Can't wait to hear what it sounds like! I wonder if Seanan had any say at all in who is reading her book. I doubt it, but it would be nice if she had.
I'm seriously considering attempting to attend Camp Widow in San Diego the weekend of August 6th. It is a gathering of widows (and widowers) with a number of speakers and presentations, and the opportunity to meet other people who are in the same place I am, or who have been in this place and gotten through it. I already get a lot of .... comfort?... from reading http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/ and think I'd like to meet some of the people who write there. Maybe.

Kinda scary, though.
Having a bum foot is a royal pain. There is no real reason why I can't work - my brain is working just fine (or as well as usual). Yet, at work I can't take the care of my foot that I need to to get it to heal faster (can't prop it as much, plus more walking than is nice). It is also frustrating that my foot hurts more now than last week. Like now that I KNOW what is wrong with it my brain is acknowledging the pain more (or is it just psychosomatic?). Really, a broken bone doesn't hurt much more than a bad sprain according to the MD. But since they manipulated and x-rayed and so on on Monday, the foot has been aching more. *grumble* I've increased NSAID use to every 4 hours, and that is helping some, but I am dreading work today, at least the 1st job. I do have to be at the bookstore today, but am just there to help the new girl, so will sit with my foot propped up and answer questions if needed, and pretend I'm not there.

Enough whining. Off to work!


Mar. 25th, 2010 11:23 pm
wishes very much she had bookmarked cadhla's entries about the Healy Mice. My daughter must be introduced.

In other news, today was day from hell. Slept badly with many dreams. Only good point of morning was a friend being unexpectly cheerful about gym time. I love her even if she is insane. Made it to work on time, barely, had to park farther out than usual, and walk farther in the only pair of black shoes I currently have, which hurt. 10:15, get a call about a complaint about a store employee. Talk to the employee (T). Talk to the boss and other manager. Find out a decision I made at bookstore was Wrong. Confess to boss that I am at fault, and get scolded. try unsuccessfully to get caught up at (city) work. Go to therapy. Come out to find out my sister(inlaw) is in ER. Go to bookstore to talk more with employee, and end up having to stay until almost close. Find out that sister is going to be admitted. Pass on news to Faeryn, then have small breakdown and fall apart at store, ending up being comforted by employee. Leave so she can finish closing, and call friend for support. talk to friend 5 minutes, who then has to go help son with homework. Dissolve another 10 minutes, then drive home. Try to get on track and call other manager to talk about work/interviews to be done over weekend. Find out other manager thought I was significantly older than I am (closer to 50), and that she thinks T is 30. T is actually a bit more than a year older than me. Call T to give her the compliment, conversation goes from cheery to sad again, and I make it off the phone before falling apart yet again. Migraine has started and is beyond excedrin control. Finally something good happens and I text back and forth with sister. Must figure out way to go see her. Can hardly read text on phone because of headache, but it seems like I'm keeping her company while she waits to go from ER to room, so at least I felt useful for a bit. Finally start to settle for bed, after drinking water in hopes of making head better, when cats discover stink bugs in house and set them off. Ick. Then cats meow and carry on for another 20 minutes.

My head is killing me (though it isn't as bad as C's so I need to shut up and not complain), but at least I ended the day by keeping C company for a bit. Tomorrow damned well better be a better day. Scheduled to work 12 hours at city, 4-5 of them at DTS. Will be making phone calls from there to arrange interviews for possible new store employee.

Hope your day was better!
Went to check on a friend after therapy and got home low enough on spoons that I fed cats and myself, and have not managed to get anything else done. When I'm too tired to dish up Mango Sorbet, it is time for bed! I've set the alarm for 30 minutes earlier than usual and will hopefully manage to get a minimum done before I go to work in the morning. For now, I'm off to bed.
Faeryn is offline until she gets another computer - hers is no longer taking a charge. To reach her, it is best to txt or call her cell.
Being a mother of young adults is hard. You know they need to to be allow to make their own decisions and they should also be allowed to deal with the consequences of those decisions. One can't constantly intervene in relationships or job situations; You can't force them into learning from your mistakes but have to let them make their own.. You can't bleed yourself dry emotionally, phisically, or financially to keep them afloat. Sometimes it is oh so very hard to step back and hold your tongue.

I worry about both kids. Luckily for F, she's far enough away that it is harder for me to interfere and net let her live her life on her own and G. is so independent, he doesn't allow much interference. Lucky for me, too, I guess.
I guess I must be starting to heal because my old body-image issues are starting to resurface. A year ago I didn't care who thought I was fat or whether they thought my weight makes me ugly. Over the past week, though, I've had something happen every day to make me aware of how huge I am and what I look like to other people and how many other people feel about people my size.

It really isn't a good feeling.
I purchased/ordered a black and white nude portrait from Laurie Toby Edison, the photographer who did the Women En Large photo series. Next I will need to get it framed, and I'm not sure of the best way to go about doing it. Should I take it to a framing shop and ask for advice? I confess I'm a bit uncomfortable because of the emotion portrayed in the portrait, which hits so very close to home, I feel like I'm exposing too much of myself. I'd mostly rather mat and frame it myself, but have no artistic leanings for that at all. Any suggestions?
The userpic is a rose that used to grow in the garden of the townhouse.

Cons are such a mixed blessing.

Yesterday I made it to Boston with minimal trouble. A little black ice on my driveway, and I got lost finding my way to the Daily Parking at IAD. Still made it to the gate 2 hours early. Decided at the last minute to take advantage of pre-boarding because I can't lift my left arm above my head, and am SO grateful that I did. Will do the same on the way back. It is worth the nasty looks from people who think I shouldn't be doing so because I don't look sick.

Faeryn caught up with me at the airport and escorted me to the home where she is living/working. We had time to catch up a bit, though I was pretty foggy from the journey and wasn't as communicative as would have been nice. F. provided me with a bag of thoughtful valentine goodies. Got to meet the family and get lots of baby cuddle-time. Little H. is adorable, and I enjoyed getting to chat with his parents too (I know they won't mind too much that my attention was focused mostly on him). I did have to reassure them that I had no desire to kidnap Baby even though I was dearly enjoying cuddling him - I want no more teens!

Eventually F's new local boyfriend, Jimmy, showed up and went with us to the con.

We explored the dealers room a bit and met a few people before registering for the con, and eventually Mary Anne found and kidnapped me for dinner, which was the highlight of my evening. I caught up with F. and J. in time to get in trouble for saying too much and to say goodnight to them before they went elsewhere for a bit. Early to bed for me, though not early to sleep. I woke in time to watch part of the sunrise from my room, then came down to the lobby to find internet access since I couldn't get connected there. Now I am trying to figure out what I want to do next.

Cons are a very mixed blessing. I love seeing people and collecting hugs, and I feel guilty that I don't reach out to any of these people in between cons. Most of them don't know or understand that by the time I can force myself to make that phone call to reach out, I am pretty much at the end of my rope and hanging on for dear life. I love the feeling of being cared for and somehow connected again. I feel closer to Greg. And I miss him more than ever. I see people we know, and turn to point them out to him. I saw Louis McMaster Bujold yesterday and wished desperately that he was there to meet her. I'm still considering getting her to autograph one of her books for him, silly as it sounds. I've greeted a few people who only know me as Greg's wife (which is perfectly fine with me). How many times did I go to cons with him, and just lean against him as I listened to him talk to people whose names I couldn't quite remember? I'm already overwhelmed and ready to go home, and there are still so many people I want to see and hug. I'm at the point this morning, though, where I'm already breaking into tears for no real reason.

I think it is time for water and Ibuprofen and to either wander the galleria a bit or go back up to my room and cool down a bit (the public areas of the hotel are grossly overheated - I'm sweating in a light-weight t-shirt!

Will try to keep up with LJ and FB, but with the limited connectivity available, I may miss something, so please drop me a note here if there is something you'd like me to know about or comment on.
Now that my headache is more firmly under control, I'm awake and not able to sleep. So, I'm spending a bit of time trying to figure out the best replacement laptop for my money, and since I know next to nothing about computers, I'm looking for help/advice/input from my geeky friends and family.

I used to have a Compaq Presario V6000. It has died, and while data from the hard drive is salvageable, the computer itself isn't. So, I ordered this computer: http://www.tigerdirect.com/applications/SearchTools/item-details.asp?EdpNo=5590460&CatId=4948 from TigerDirect. A nice enough machine, though it did turn out to be a bit more cumbersome somehow than I expected. I really love having a keypad on the side, though it isn't absolutely necessary. Unfortunately, the CD/DVD drive didn't work consistently. It wouldn't read disks most of the time, and I could only open it using the little eject pin-hole. So, I have returned it. The price was about perfect, though I could go a little bit higher if necessary. I like having a web-cam because eventually I want to be able to have long-distance dinners with friends or family via webcam. That said, I'm not willing to pay a great deal extra for it, and given a choice, I'd opt for the keypad rather than the webcam. I don't want huge screen - 17 inches is unwieldy. I am currently using a 10 inch netbook, which is adequate, if a little tight for typing, and it is an EEE PC, so is linux based (I believe) and has no hard drive. It also has a teeeny screen which means that sometimes when my head is very bad, I can't seem to read screen.

I've tried shopping around, but really I don't know what I'm looking at other than screen size and some of the extras like webcams and DVD vs CD drives (I do want at least a CD writer, Greg would have insisted we go with a DVD writer, so I keep that in mind).

Anyone bored and interested in helping me find a new laptop? I'd be very grateful for the help!

And now that typing/reading on the itty bitty netbook is bugging my eyes/head again, I guess I'll go and check if it is snowing yet, then curl up with the cats.


Jan. 16th, 2010 08:52 pm
thekyttn: (blank)
I have purchased tickets and reserved a room for February 12-14 for Boskone. It is a simple room with 2 beds. Faeryn may be spending one or both nights with me, but can share my bed. Anyone interested in a room share/possession of the other bed? I won't have a great deal of luggage and I don't think either of us snore. Don't know if it would make a difference to a possible room-mate, but I will be in and out of the room a great deal as I tend to get overwhelmed by people/emotions pretty easily and will escape to the room when that happens. I'm not at all adverse to small gatherings in the room if you need practice space, as long as I'm allowed to listen :).
Twice in the last 24 hours I've made a fool of myself. Once by posting something somewhere that I thought no one else could see, but found out they could, and secondly by responding to something while half asleep, then not remembering what exactly I had said, and apologizing for it. I only just retrieved exactly what I'd said the first time, which was really quite within what I'd have wanted said, and the apology made me sound like a total idiot and made things much worse.

In two years, though, I haven't really cared if anyone thought I was a fool. I guess it is an improvement that I could be embarrassed by either episode and really is an improvement that I thought it was possible that I might have said what I didn't actually say.

Luckily in both cases, the people I made a fool of myself in front of are people who aren't at all likely to hold it against me.
I know my life really isn't awful. I have friends and family, people I love, who are fighting much greater battles than I am, who are hurting more than I am. It frustrates and angers me when I get overwhelmed and stopped in my tracks by tears and grief. I feel like I'm being totally selfish and self-centered and yet I can't seem to put those feelings aside. I still have evenings where I spend most of the time crying and unable to look past the horrible hole in my world. Tonight is one of those nights where I want nothing more than to go to sleep and not wake up. Nothing has happened today - it has actually been a fairly decent day. I'm tired and headachey but that is nothing new.

Tomorrow is counseling. Hopefully I'll talk about this and get some help figuring out how to get my head out this fog and to concentrate and be aware of the issues other people are having rather than constantly rehashing my loss.

I'm so sick of all this and feeling this way.
Plea to my friends - Looking for older movies to add to my Neflix list. I like romantic comedies like most of the Aundrey Hepburn classics, silly fun like Gidget, movies like Gigi and Come September. I've got a large number of Gregory Peck, Rock Hudson and Cary Grant movies on my list, and a few Sandra Dee movies. I also love some of the older black and white movies you see on Turner Classics (though I don't have cable, so can't watch those), but definitely lean toward lighter-hearted moveis. I am not, however, a fan of slapstick comedies.

Any recommendations?
I need hugs. Unfortunately 3 of the 5 people who are local enough to ask for hugs are smokers, which my lungs can't handle right now, a 4th spends enough time with a smoker that I sometimes smell the smoke on her, and the 5th person I only see every week to 10 days at most, and often not at a time when I can leave my desk to hug her.

I'm almost ready for winter to be over and my next potential visit to Boston for a con to be closer. That will change when the snow starts - I want lots of snow - but right now I want hugs more.

I'll get a hug fix sometime in November or December when I go to PA to visit. Tonight that just seems far away.
We seem to have a curse on laptops here. Faeryn has gone through several, and now the one I bought ~18 months ago has apparently died. It had been freezing frequently, sometimes not coming out of standby and requiring a hard reboot. The last time it froze and I turned it off, it decided it wasn't coming on again. It made a few false starts, even getting as far as starting some kind of windows start-up repair, but froze doing that, and had to be turned off. Now it keeps attempting to turn on as long as the battery is in, whether I have it plugged in or not, and whether it is opened or closed. It lights up, something starts whirring for half a second, then it goes dark and silent again for 2-3 seconds and then repeats. To make it stop I have to remove the battery.

Does anyone have any suggestions or any idea whether it would be work taking it to my local Geek Squad?
It has been a long but not awful day, I guess.

46 years ago today, my husband Greg, the love of my life and my best friend, was born. I miss him horribly.

I did my falling apart early when I woke up at 4am after only a couple of hours of sleep, then cried myself back to sleep and into a nasty headache. I managed to get my act together, though, and be mostly upbeat when Faeryn left for the morning. Carol called and talked to me a bit, then Kathy came around 11:30 to hang out for a bit. My mother dropped her off with some very welcome chocolate cake and spicy peanuts. Dr. W, my therapist, called to check on me and see how I was surviving the day. Faeryn came home after her morning of babysitting and her boyfriend, Lee, came over for an hour as well. I got to talk to Kathy about Greg, reliving our first in person meeting and our first kiss. We looked at some stuff online, and I made appointments for an electrician to come give me estimates on some things I need done in the next few months. Kathy and I played some of the best Rummy I've played in years. At 6, Garrett came to get Kathy and by 7pm I was on my own again.

The house is quiet now and I am settled down for the evening with the cats. Snugs is passed out beside me, and Emo is gazing out the window, hoping his Faeryn will come home. Bed for me, soon, I think.

I wish I could sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time and that I'd stop waking up looking for him.

Emo has decided to come and curl up on me for a while and wants me to stop typing and put away the netbook.

Goodnight all.
Over a year and a half later, I'm still saving the juice from the fruit-cocktail for him to drink. He always hated it when I drained fruit into the sink. I went to put the finished dessert in the refrigerator, and there was the glass of juice.
Thank you to everyone who gave me information about grandmother names. I am probably going to be trying for Grammy, though I will ask Faeryn if she had had a thought/suggestion. I rather like Mommom, but it is too close to Mom to be comfortable for Faeryn, I suspect.



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