I'm trying hard to do less complaining, and while I'm posting less, I guess I am not complaining much less. Slowly, though, the places that I go to vent are becoming narrowed again. On facebook I can't vent about anything at the bookstore, or openly about my daughter, because my boss from the store reads my FB. At the city, discussing my health leads to issues with my boss, who doesn't like me being sicker than she is. Besides, I don't LOOK sick, so I must just be lazy. My friend and current co-worker, T, (as apposed to my friend and former co-worker T...) is also friends with F. and I need to be more careful not to catch her in the middle when I need to vent about F. I also shouldn't discuss store issues with her so that she doesn't get caught in the middle between me and other staff. I find it very hard to hold my tongue when talking to her, though, because I feel more comfortable talking to her than to any other female friend I've had, except my sister-in-law. T also talks to me about serious things in her life as well as the fun things - things that would be TMI from anyone else are just fine from her, and usually fun. My friend and former co-worker, T, (must figure out a good way to differentiate between them) is not someone I can vent to at all as she is currently in a miserable situation, and anything I complain about just sounds silly to her; she is convinced she'd love to trade problems.

At least I have people who love me, and non-local people I can turn to for venting if I really need to.

Ok, that is enough complaining for this week. Time for bed.
It would be so nice, and so good for me, if I could take today off and spend a second day gathering strength for the week and getting tiny bits done at home, and recovering for pushing a little too hard yesterday. It isn't an option, really, I need the hours, I need to make my presence known in the store, and having been warned how bad yesterday was and how much there is to do today, it would be wrong of me to call someone in when I'm not really sick. I'm just tired and my back aches a bit, but really the only issue is that I don't want to spend the whole day at work again. I'd rather go to Lowes and pick up the digital thermostat I need (got the wrong one before), and spend the rest of the day catching up on laundry, reading, and napping, and resting up so that tomorrow morning I don't start the week by feeling wiped out by noon.

I'm going to be a responsible adult, though, and go get dressed, go shopping for office supplies, and go to work. At least I will be done by 6:30 or 7 and can do another early night.
So very tired. Right now I've got a load of things to be done before I can close up (not to mention another hour to wait), and all I want to do is sit down and cry from sheer fatigue. I tried calling F. earlier when I knew I was fading to ask her to come in, but she is not feeling well. I'm hoping that caffeinated gum will help; I've been using it to get through most days lately.

It is almost time to go now (I've been pulled away from the computer to do actual work) and if I can get the last person out of the store, I can go home soon.

So very very tired.
Went to the gyn appointment today. TMI behind cut )
As some of you know from FaceBook, this weekend was a particularly horrid one for me. Actually Saturday day wasn't so bad, but Saturday night was horrid.

F. had some friends over for a party. A very loud, very long party. It was, of course, a drinking party because I don't think kids her age (all over 21) know how to do anything else, at least not in her friends group. Given the frequency and intensity with which these kids drink, I strongly suspect alcoholism. I mean, some are known to drink until they get so blotto they can't figure out where to pee and have ruined stuff like a PS2 because of this. And since it happens repeatedly, obviously the lure of the alcohol far outweighs shame/judgment/common sense. The more they drank, the louder they got and the further into the toilet their language fell. Repeated shouts of "f that" or "you f-er", etc rang through the house through the night. The boys could not be bothered to use the indoor bathroom, but instead chose to go outside to urinate, often under my window. It was almost 5am before they quieted down, after a final tearful call from me to Faeryn asking why they had all gathered in the room directly below mine and yelled at the top of their lungs. The explanation that I was given was that "they wanted to get your attention". They got it. My cats, of course, thought that 6 was time for me to get up, so between the brats downstairs and my 4-legged brats, I got no sleep. I had to work Sunday, most of it in a daze and feeling nauseated and dizzy from fatigue. Though I got a good solid 9 hours+ last night, I still dealt with similar symptoms today. I simply don't have the physical resources right now to deal with stuff like that.

F. did send me an email with a short apology, and told me that her friends were apologetic Sunday morning. Since they didn't apologize to me, I don't know if they were really sorry at all or not. Since there will be no more partying at our house for a very long time, if at all, I suspect they will be more sorry the next time they want to play.

I ended up writing a lengthy angry email to my daughter, expressing frustration about a number of issues. I've also told her I don't want to talk about this in person for a couple of days, because I'm too tired to hold my tongue and not say things I might regret. Still too angry too. At some point we're going to have to talk, because I'm getting tired of being used and feeling less valued than anyone else in her life.

I started writing this before I left the bookstore (this is a rough week, both jobs today, gyn tomorrow, infusion Wednesday, counseling Thursday, dinner with a very kind but far too inquisitive and talkative former patient on Friday (though depending on how I feel by Friday morning, I may reschedule that)). Now I am home, have run the laser pointer around for the cats a little and am going to collapse in bed. I will have to go downstairs at some point this week to reset a fuse in my bathroom (the one that my tea pot is plugged in to :( ). Hopefully by the time I decide I need to do that, F will have gotten some of the worst of downstairs cleaned up. I'm avoiding going down for as long as I can, so that I don't get upset over mess that I can't do much over.

It sounds like she is home now, working some in the basement, so now is a very good time for me to shut things down and go to sleep.
Warning: Long rambly whiny post (and possible TMI) beyond LJ-cut )
My car is still in the shop.

My cell phone doesn't function as a phone anymore.

And now, I've lost the power cord for my laptop. I had it at the store. I could have sworn I had put it in my purse. It isn't there now, and I discovered this fact with only 26% left on my laptop battery. Hopefully it fell out at the store or in Faeryn's van (her indoor car light isn't working so I won't check until tomorrow).

Hopefully next week will go a little more smoothly.
Grief and pain is like this huge boa constrictor which stays tightly wrapped around me, occasionally falling asleep and loosening its coils (but never letting go) for brief periods like this morning, then suddenly waking up and crushing me until I don't understand how I still exist. It never bothers to finish me off completely, just squeezes until I'm broken. It consumes me completely, then spits me out so it can start all over again.
Spent the evening watching TV, working on a couple of small gifts, and doing a few small chores around the house. Both cats are unhappy, either because I've not gone to bed yet, or because Faeryn isn't home. I can't really tell which.

There was the possibility of working an hour or two at the bookstore this evening, but T was willing to take the shift, and I decided I needed the time to do things here at home. And, in reality, I couldn't take pretending to be positive one more minute.

I thought about calling people tonight. I knew my timing sucked though. One friend is already depressed and didn't need my tears on top of her own problems. Another would have needed to get off the phone quickly to deal with family stuff, and I couldn't be sure that I wouldn't unreasonably resent a perfectly reasonable interruption. I'm not good at calling or reaching out. I tried calling a local friend and ended up being her support and talking her through worries about her new job. I didn't want to my brother-in-law and family because they are in a reasonable place right now, and while I know they'd be glad to be there for me, I would have felt the need to try and hide just how badly I'm hurting (yes, Scott, I know that is foolish). I even throught about calling my mother-in-law, but really how can I talk to her about my pain when she has had even more losses? I didn't call any of the many other people who have offered to have me do so, partly because I was afraid they'd be to busy and partly because I really dislike making phone calls.

I have to find a counselor near by. I can't risk calling any of the local hot-lines to talk because I'm afraid I'd get popped into an inpatient situation which would risk my jobs. Each day it gets harder to get out of bed and pull on the persona that I have to wear through the day.

Bedtime. The cats are ready, and I'm cold inside and out.
thekyttn: (lonely/scared/worried/sad/tiny)
One of the bus-drivers where I work has lost 4 sisters so far this year, each for different reasons (in her mid 50's, she was the baby of the family). Another lost her husband unexpectedly. Now a friend from the estate sales that Greg and I used to go to regularly has passed away. I suspect Greg and Paul are sitting together watching and worrying about me and Janet (Paul's wife).

I'm so tired of death and loss. I'm tired of pain. Is it possible to have even just one week where someone I know and care about isn't affected by a major loss?

I'm so very sick of it all
Tonight I am home alone with the cats as usual, not finding the energy to get anything done, and not really caring. This week I've done one load of laundry, run the dishwasher and put dishes away, taken out the trash, and cleaned the litter box a few times (and must go do that again as soon as I finish this post). That is actually more than I've done around the house in a few weeks, so I guess the Welbutrin is helping. I still really don't care or feel like I've got the energy to do anything. Work is easier because I've got someone to tell me what needs to be done, and to help me keep on track.

Evenings are hard. There isn't really anyone around here to hang out with; my only friends are married and busy at home in the evenings, and one is my boss, which makes socializing a little odd. I've thought about trying to join some kind of local group, but haven't found anything that interests me enough to keep me going back. The knitting/crocheting group would have been nice, but it meets on Wednesdays at 7pm and I have to work Wednesdays until 8. I could go to the gathering then go back to the store after 9 to get the work done, but realistically, that isn't likely to happen.

I don't know how to meet people or make friends. Greg was always the social one, the one who dragged me along to all sorts of gatherings where I ended up usually enjoying myself. I'd be tempted to go to the Karaoke bar where Faeryn hangs out, but she's made it rather clear that she'd rather I didn't. Not that a lot of the people who hang out there are likely to become close friends with me (most are smokers, I'm asthmatic, not a good mix). Her aunt is invited to the bar for her 21st birthday, but neither her Dad or I are welcome, not even for the beginning of the party. I understand that she might not want us to hang around for the entire thing, but dropping in for an hour at the beginning might have been nice. We're useful people to have around, we provide shelter, clothes, transportation, Steve's even making sure she gets her chance to go to Nashville, and I bought the airline tickets. I guess my parents probably felt this way about me at times too.

I'm tired and lonely and not looking forward to the weekend, and feeling depressed. Tomorrow is an 8 hour shift at the bookstore, Sunday is as well. I'm somewhat grateful tomorrow isn't a 10 shift for me. At least I'll be around friendly people for most of the day, and do some reading and maybe make some more odds and ends of beaded stuff to sell at the bookstore.

Time to take care of the litter box and go to bed. Another week is over, and I don't remember most of it, which is probably a good thing. Maybe tomorrow will be the start of a better one.



October 2015

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