I guess I must be starting to heal because my old body-image issues are starting to resurface. A year ago I didn't care who thought I was fat or whether they thought my weight makes me ugly. Over the past week, though, I've had something happen every day to make me aware of how huge I am and what I look like to other people and how many other people feel about people my size.

It really isn't a good feeling.
I never stop missing Greg, and I've still yet to make it through 48 hours without crying for him (though that is an improvement over a year ago when I couldn't make it 12 hours). Most of the time I can pull myself together pretty quickly. Some nights though, like tonight, it hurts more than ever and I pray desperately for sleep and the relief that usually comes with it.

I know that in 2 weeks I'll be around friends and that will help. Tonight, though, it is just me in a far-too-empty bed, and a pair of noisy cats.

I want to sleep. Sometimes he is in my dreams, and I forget, for just a little while, that he's not here anymore.

I miss him so very much.
Maybe it is just as well that I am not going to have the ablation done anytime some. There is an advantage to being so exhausted and drained that I fall asleep any time I close my eyes for more than 10 seconds. On nights like tonight, when I napped briefly earlier then was woken by cats, and now can't get to sleep again, I can't stop thinking about the fire, about Greg, about how lonely and empty life is without him and all the things I didn't get to say or do before I lost him and how afraid I am that he didn't know just how much I love him. Being exhausted keeps me from thinking as much, keeps me almost too tired to hurt. As long as the fatigue isn't making me unable to do my job(s), I think I'm going to let this go. I'll concentrate my energies on getting through work rather than running round from MD to MD trying to get the damned procedure done.

I know some people are going to be upset with me if I stop trying to get treatment, but really and truly, I can't take this pain every night. Letting my body get so fatigued that it shuts off for a bit every chance it gets has to be better than using drugs or alcohol to get the same relief.

I've typed and erased the next paragraph several times, and I'm going to leave it erased, because really it doesn't need to be said out loud here.

Time to try again to sleep and hope that I make it through until morning.
I've got a headache, I'm tired and totally depressed. I've had it for the day - for the year really, but I'm only allowed to give up for the night and have to restart in the morning.

I'm going to take a couple of Tylenol PM and hopefully will be asleep soon and will wake feeling a little less completely out of cope.
The emptiness is overwhelming tonight. I've made it through one year. I guess I'll make it through another.

Still discovering ways in which people have reached out to help and support us since the fire, and it is still incredibly overwhelming. I haven't said thank you enough to so many of the people who have been here for me, and I can't seem to find the words to do so.

I'm grateful to everyone who has been continually giving support and love since the fire. It is my responsibility to not let you all down that is keeping me going some days - like today.

I really want to be with my husband tonight.
It has been a long day. I didn't end up driving home as planned because Charlottesville had a great deal of ice and it was decided that it was unsafe for me to try to drive home. I think it was a good decision as my head was bad and it took two doses of heavy pain killer to get it under control. I spent a great deal of the morning stressing over the decision while Carol reassured me. The rest of the day was spent watching TV, making some jewelry, resting and chatting. Now I'm tired, everyone has gone to bed (after I kept them up later than usual), and I'm trying to get my brain to stop stressing enough to sleep.

It has been a good trip, and yesterday wasn't quite as bad as I was afraid it would be in some ways, more difficult in others. Garrett called and talked to me for a while which was wonderful. Carol and I talked a bit, and she's been very kind and listened to stories of Greg here and there. It is nice being here, though I'm also ready for home and my kitties. It is good being with family. I didn't actually see Mom McM; she's coping in her own ways. I've relaxed a lot and been very lazy and generally been quite spoiled. It will be hard going home to an empty house and loneliness again, but I can call when I want to and visit again in a couple of months or so.

Today I'm too tired to cry much. I'll sleep soon, hopefully, and leave in the morning after rush hour. Weather in C'ville should be better by the time I get home. It may not be great here, but on this end I'll be leaving feeling relatively fresh, and it should be better around the time when I start to fade, hopefully.

A year has gone by, a whole year since the best part of my life ended. A year ago I lost hope when I lost Greg. I'm very grateful for all the love and support that we've gotten over the past year that has helped me keep going, helped me keep my promises to Greg, helped me do what is right. Many thanks to all of you.
My head aches, I can't find my glasses, I was supposed to go to work early today, but didn't hear Faeryn get up and slept through my first alarm. I don't want to go to work, but if I don't, then people don't get their paychecks. Snuggles is mewing non-stop because I won't let him have the belt to my robe while I'm wearing the robe, and I'm so very tired. It is pouring rain, dark and miserable, and I can't find it in me to do another upbeat post. Oh, and I have to work both jobs today. I guess at least that means I won't be alone for most of the day, which may be a good thing.

So very tired of living.

Time to go to work.
Faeryn is asleep in her bedroom, and Trixie (her bunny) is rattling things in the rabbit cage. Snuggles is curled up at my feet, and Emo was curled up on my chest, but has now gone to visit with Faeryn.

I'm safe, and under warm covers. My coughing has stopped for the moment. I should be content.

Instead I'm aware of this massive emptiness on the other side of the bed and a I really don't know how I'm going to make it through this holiday, which was so important to Greg. We're approaching a year since my life was shredded into tiny pieces. I still cry at so many little things - like talking to someone about making homemade gatorade. I still don't want to eat Indian food, and I find it painful to see flames of any kind, even in videos or tv. We have a gas fireplace in the basement of this house, and it would be good if we could use it for heat when the power goes out, but I just can't do it.


There is no use whining here. I'm just trying to distract myself from the emptiness, I guess, with no success. It doesn't change anything, anyway.
I hate the time after I turn off the TV and lie quietly in the dark trying to go to sleep. I can manage as long as I stay busy, as long as my mind is occupied, even with simple things like watching TV or listening to an audio book. It seems like the minute it gets quiet, memories and grief overwhelm me. I'm afraid of silence. I keep an audio book going in the car, even for the less than 1 mile drive to the grocery store. The minute I settle down at home, I turn on the TV. Music makes me cry most of the time, though I now listen to an occasional filk CD at work, and do ok with them as long as I am busy with other things as well. I can't go to sleep unless I'm exhausted enough to fall asleep while listening to the TV or a book and usually that is far too late to get enough rest before work. I cycle through days of getting 2-4 hours of sleep, then using Nyquil or Tylenol PM to help me get to sleep (and stay asleep) early to make up for the nights of little sleep.

Things must be getting better. I can make it through most work-days now without falling apart obviously at work unless we talk about Greg. I even tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to sign up for a class on wire-wrapping at a local bead shop. Hopefully the next time they have the class I'll sign up before the class fills up.

Tomorrow I talk to the psychiatrist about my Wellbutrin. I guess I'm doing ok on it, though I have a hard time remembering to take it on time, and it does seem to be affecting my memory. Maybe he will have some ideas.

For now, I need to find something to listen to so I can maybe get some sleep.

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thekyttn

October 2015

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