Thank you

Feb. 11th, 2011 09:40 pm
Thank you to everyone who responded to my post(s) about the townhouse, here, on facebook, and via email. It does help not only to have people who are listening and who understand and who don't think I'm being ridiculous for finding this a difficult change, but also to be reminded that I'm really not as alone as I convince myself I am.

*HUGS* to all of you, and I'm sorry I haven't responded to each individual post and *hugs*. I've run out of spoons and am going to curl up with a cat until I find some more.


Jan. 14th, 2011 04:57 pm
I finally went out to the mailbox today after having skipped it yesterday and possibly the day before. I've been feeling lousy, and just not wanted to deal. I was delighted to find a package from artbeco's Etsy shop (if you haven't checked it out, you should). I expected two copies of the wonderful thought-provoking photo she'd kindly allowed me to special request. Not only were those included, but a couple of gifts that overwhelmed me - two of my other favorite images (Go look at her stuff, I dare you to be able to find just one favorite!) Now, instead of doing the tidying I should still be working on, I'm going to sit back and enjoy my pictures, and decide where they are all hanging. I have to choose which one goes in the public space for everyone to see, and which goes in my bedroom for me to be able to see when I'm alone at night and feeling unloved (will be harder to allow that feeling to take over with the evidence to the contrary staring back at me).

Beckett, I can't thank you enough.

I hope someday I eventually get to hug you in person; you can't know how much your kindness and generousity changed my day.
I purchased/ordered a black and white nude portrait from Laurie Toby Edison, the photographer who did the Women En Large photo series. Next I will need to get it framed, and I'm not sure of the best way to go about doing it. Should I take it to a framing shop and ask for advice? I confess I'm a bit uncomfortable because of the emotion portrayed in the portrait, which hits so very close to home, I feel like I'm exposing too much of myself. I'd mostly rather mat and frame it myself, but have no artistic leanings for that at all. Any suggestions?
The userpic is a rose that used to grow in the garden of the townhouse.

Cons are such a mixed blessing.

Yesterday I made it to Boston with minimal trouble. A little black ice on my driveway, and I got lost finding my way to the Daily Parking at IAD. Still made it to the gate 2 hours early. Decided at the last minute to take advantage of pre-boarding because I can't lift my left arm above my head, and am SO grateful that I did. Will do the same on the way back. It is worth the nasty looks from people who think I shouldn't be doing so because I don't look sick.

Faeryn caught up with me at the airport and escorted me to the home where she is living/working. We had time to catch up a bit, though I was pretty foggy from the journey and wasn't as communicative as would have been nice. F. provided me with a bag of thoughtful valentine goodies. Got to meet the family and get lots of baby cuddle-time. Little H. is adorable, and I enjoyed getting to chat with his parents too (I know they won't mind too much that my attention was focused mostly on him). I did have to reassure them that I had no desire to kidnap Baby even though I was dearly enjoying cuddling him - I want no more teens!

Eventually F's new local boyfriend, Jimmy, showed up and went with us to the con.

We explored the dealers room a bit and met a few people before registering for the con, and eventually Mary Anne found and kidnapped me for dinner, which was the highlight of my evening. I caught up with F. and J. in time to get in trouble for saying too much and to say goodnight to them before they went elsewhere for a bit. Early to bed for me, though not early to sleep. I woke in time to watch part of the sunrise from my room, then came down to the lobby to find internet access since I couldn't get connected there. Now I am trying to figure out what I want to do next.

Cons are a very mixed blessing. I love seeing people and collecting hugs, and I feel guilty that I don't reach out to any of these people in between cons. Most of them don't know or understand that by the time I can force myself to make that phone call to reach out, I am pretty much at the end of my rope and hanging on for dear life. I love the feeling of being cared for and somehow connected again. I feel closer to Greg. And I miss him more than ever. I see people we know, and turn to point them out to him. I saw Louis McMaster Bujold yesterday and wished desperately that he was there to meet her. I'm still considering getting her to autograph one of her books for him, silly as it sounds. I've greeted a few people who only know me as Greg's wife (which is perfectly fine with me). How many times did I go to cons with him, and just lean against him as I listened to him talk to people whose names I couldn't quite remember? I'm already overwhelmed and ready to go home, and there are still so many people I want to see and hug. I'm at the point this morning, though, where I'm already breaking into tears for no real reason.

I think it is time for water and Ibuprofen and to either wander the galleria a bit or go back up to my room and cool down a bit (the public areas of the hotel are grossly overheated - I'm sweating in a light-weight t-shirt!

Will try to keep up with LJ and FB, but with the limited connectivity available, I may miss something, so please drop me a note here if there is something you'd like me to know about or comment on.


Jan. 16th, 2010 08:52 pm
thekyttn: (blank)
I have purchased tickets and reserved a room for February 12-14 for Boskone. It is a simple room with 2 beds. Faeryn may be spending one or both nights with me, but can share my bed. Anyone interested in a room share/possession of the other bed? I won't have a great deal of luggage and I don't think either of us snore. Don't know if it would make a difference to a possible room-mate, but I will be in and out of the room a great deal as I tend to get overwhelmed by people/emotions pretty easily and will escape to the room when that happens. I'm not at all adverse to small gatherings in the room if you need practice space, as long as I'm allowed to listen :).
I'm trying hard to do less complaining, and while I'm posting less, I guess I am not complaining much less. Slowly, though, the places that I go to vent are becoming narrowed again. On facebook I can't vent about anything at the bookstore, or openly about my daughter, because my boss from the store reads my FB. At the city, discussing my health leads to issues with my boss, who doesn't like me being sicker than she is. Besides, I don't LOOK sick, so I must just be lazy. My friend and current co-worker, T, (as apposed to my friend and former co-worker T...) is also friends with F. and I need to be more careful not to catch her in the middle when I need to vent about F. I also shouldn't discuss store issues with her so that she doesn't get caught in the middle between me and other staff. I find it very hard to hold my tongue when talking to her, though, because I feel more comfortable talking to her than to any other female friend I've had, except my sister-in-law. T also talks to me about serious things in her life as well as the fun things - things that would be TMI from anyone else are just fine from her, and usually fun. My friend and former co-worker, T, (must figure out a good way to differentiate between them) is not someone I can vent to at all as she is currently in a miserable situation, and anything I complain about just sounds silly to her; she is convinced she'd love to trade problems.

At least I have people who love me, and non-local people I can turn to for venting if I really need to.

Ok, that is enough complaining for this week. Time for bed.
There are a few people on my f-list that I'm not seeing posts from anymore, and I'm worried about them. Do I pester them to find out how they are, or leave them in peace? I double checked to make sure I wasn't unexpectedly de-friended by a mass of people, and am glad to see that I haven't been, but now I'm worried. Of course, real life is probably just keeping them from posting; just because I don't have much of a life away from the computer doesn't mean that others are in the same boat :)


Jun. 18th, 2009 09:36 pm
Very fried brain refused to let me go to sleep - or rather just woke me as I was about to fall completely asleep with the realization that one of the people I always associate with Boston isn't actually going to be at the con, though I never managed to realize otherwise until now. (Because, of course, everyone I know through Greg just has to be a filker). Between work on Friday, Shabbos, and family commitments on Sunday, I can't expect to see mdyesowitch, which I only just internalized.


Must arrange a non-con-related trip to Boston.

Going back to sleep now
Had made tentative plans to go to listen to some music with my son this evening, but lay down to nap/rest my aching head, and woke feeling to tired to do anything.


Fell asleep again before finishing this entry, so I guess staying home was a good idea. I've managed to move from livingroom to bedroom, switched a load of laundry from washer to dryer in between, and am now ready for sleep again. Must figure out what I'm taking to the DownTown Station to work on tomorrow evening. Only 4 hours there, but I'm told it will be likely to be quite quiet.

I've officially asked for June 19th off of work, and will be "banking" the extra hours I work tomorrow and Saturday toward that. I've got enough money from birthday money and jewelry sales that I can afford the Boston trip, if I can get remotely reasonable flights. I'm hoping to fly out Thursday night and return Sunday night. It is very unlikely that Faeryn will be coming with me, so I may be looking for a room-mate. I also may just take a room by myself and offer access to it to any of my local-to-Boston friends who will be attending the con but staying at home and who may need a break during the day (maybe a cat and wolf pair who would be more able to attend the con if there was a room available to let children nap during the day? It would only cost an extra hug or two, or maybe a song....).

Feeling odd tonight. Sad, but more resigned, though I feel like I'm walking on a very narrow bridge over a gaping pit, and that at any minute I'm going to fall in. I've been nicely distracted for the last 30 minutes by listening to Meeting at Corvalis on MP3 CD. I'm going to have to purchase the series; I can tell it is one I will listen to repeatedly. Must mail Dies the Fire and The Protector's War to Scott this weekend.

*sigh* bedtime. As long as tomorrow is going to be, at least I'll be around people for a good part of the day, and Saturday I get to spend some time at the bookstore and maybe give in and buy the new Charlaine Harris book if I have spare funds left after purchasing airline tickets.

Or, maybe just reading it in the car after my shift ends :)
Really long day at work, especially since I had to go in to open rather unexpectedly. Luckily I was already out and about and while not exactly dressed the way I like to dress for work, my body was covered. I worked 9:30-12:30, then 4-almost 8:30.

This got long... )
I'm thinking of trying to have a gathering here in April to make missing FKO a little less painful. it would either be the weekend of the 4th or the 11th (I'm leaning toward the 11th because I have the 13th off). We've got plenty of crash space, pull out sofas and air mattresses, two very friendly cats and plenty of parking. I know travel isn't cheap or easy, so I thought I'd ask here to see if anyone might be interested/able to attend. If there is a preference for one date over the other, let me know. I can also arrange pick-up from Charlottesville airport, and there are sometimes some good deals there; I've been eyeing a round trip to Boston for $143, but can't take the time off from work right now.
The emptiness is overwhelming tonight. I've made it through one year. I guess I'll make it through another.

Still discovering ways in which people have reached out to help and support us since the fire, and it is still incredibly overwhelming. I haven't said thank you enough to so many of the people who have been here for me, and I can't seem to find the words to do so.

I'm grateful to everyone who has been continually giving support and love since the fire. It is my responsibility to not let you all down that is keeping me going some days - like today.

I really want to be with my husband tonight.


Feb. 16th, 2009 07:11 pm
Of all the wonderful songs that I have heard Urban Tapestry play, can someone please tell me why "Puppies Cooked in Brine" is the one that is going through my brain over and over for the last 2 days? I could understand if it was "Sex and Chocolate" or "Coming Home" or "Song for Jim", or even "TechnoNerd Boy".

I'm really tired of having "decapitated unicorns and petrified ear wax" running through my brain...

Thank you

Dec. 31st, 2008 07:50 pm
Thank you to everyone who emailed or posted or inquired about my well-being since I removed my journal. It really does mean a great deal to me.

I'm not ready to go into why I deleted the journal, and not sure I ever will. I'll probably be posting here less, or much more tightly filtered. My main reason for reinstating the journal, quite honestly, is because I still want to read or comment to my friends' journals, and I can't easily do that without a journal.

I'm dreading this next year, but I hope it is much better for all of my friends than the past one has been.

Thank you again to all those who let me know that you care.
For those who were worried about [ profile] flabosib, she seems to be ok, the meningitis she was exposed to was not the spectacularly infections kind. Prayers would be appreciated for the family who is affected, though.
Yesterday I got the bad news that my car isn't drivable until at least next week. While the brakes have been fixed, there is a small hole in the heating system such that fluid is leaking out and continuing to run the car risks ruining the engine. My mechanic was adamant that taking the car to drive this weekend, even less than a total of 30 miles was not something he would want me to do, and he's very glad I decided to bring the lack of heat to his attention so he found the problem.

On top of the car problem, my Treo has decided it doesn't want to function as a phone anymore. The rest of the functions work, but it won't recognize any SIM card put in, and says it gets no signal at all. *sigh*.

I wasn't looking forward to much of a day off, with no car, no phone, and no company other than the cats. Faeryn had said she might not be coming home last night, so I wasn't even sure of being able to borrow her car for a minimum of errands. We did spend some very pleasant time listening to music and fiddling on the computer a bit before she went out, though.

Faeryn did come home after all, relatively early even, and I borrowed her car when I got up. I ran out to Michaels who did not have what I was looking for, then back home via the credit union. I also went by the store, briefly, to pick up coupons that had been left there. I foolishly had the radio on, and fell completely apart when Garth Brooks came on singing "The Dance". I've been working very determinedly today on reminding myself how much less the day sucked than I was afraid it would, and trying to keep focused on little things to be done now rather than thinking about what has been lost. Mostly it works ok, especially when around other people.

I came home to find Faeryn awake. She helped me get the mailbox (which is driving me insane) back up, and hopefully it will stay up for another week or so. Then we ended up going out to put money from her into my bank, then out to the grocery store to get food for a friend of hers who has cancer and isn't doing so well, and to get goodies to put into a basket for my parents' anniversary on the 19th. We got olives of various kinds, a lovely tapenade, crackers, cookies, and hot chocolate. I just need to get a handful or two of Lindor chocolates to add in, and it will be all set. We're giving it to them with a set of videos, so it should provide them a pleasant evening all together. We also got a roast chicken and a salad for home. I'm having the salad for lunch and feeling quite virtuous (I'd rather be having slices of bread with olive tapenade and roast chicken, but I need to eat some vegetables for a change).

Faeryn has gone off to visit her friends, and I probably won't see her again until tomorrow. Hopefully she will remember that she is my ride to work (probably will). I'm going to finish my healthy lunch, then curl up with the cats and take a nap, then work on Christmas gifts. I can't find part of what I need to finish my gift for Mom McM, and I need to figure out what to make for my mother. After a nap I'll put on a book on tape, clean for a short bit and then work on gifts.

The cats are already dozing, so I'm going to go join them now.
The new therapist is a significant improvement already over the others I've tried so far. The hour flew by, and I was able to tell her a significant amount about myself and my situation, including some of the information about my relationship with my parents. When I told her that I don't expect an immediate cure, but looking for help coping and getting to the point where I don't have to spend every evening reminding myself of my promises not to do something stupid in order to make it through to bedtime. Her reaction to that statement was not to threaten me with inpatient care (which would be a problem only because I'd end up losing one if not both jobs), but to say that she thought therapy could help with that. Our expectation is not to take away the grief and pain, but to get me more functional and able to handle the grief and pain. I have appointments every week between now and the end of the year, which is reassuring.

I had to take Greg's car into the shop today, and Faeryn picked me up and brought me home. she ended up staying home with me, we even kind of ate dinner together, which was very pleasant. It was a low key evening, just some chatting and generally hanging out together, then she went to bed and I took a long hot shower. Having her in the house was exactly what I needed after therapy. After the shower, I got a call from a friend, and spent time talking briefly about some of the stuff going on in her life before I hijacked the conversation and made it all about me - oops! Luckily, she didn't mind too much, and I had a genuine smile on my face when I got off the phone a few minutes ago.

Now I'm ready for bed, and to get up way too early tomorrow for Faeryn to take me to work. It works well for me to go in early tomorrow because I've got to leave early for the endocrinology appointment. With any luck our car will get fixed tomorrow and I'll be able to go pick it up immediately after my appointment (the office is about 2 blocks away from the mechanic).

Goodnight all.
Spent the evening watching TV, working on a couple of small gifts, and doing a few small chores around the house. Both cats are unhappy, either because I've not gone to bed yet, or because Faeryn isn't home. I can't really tell which.

There was the possibility of working an hour or two at the bookstore this evening, but T was willing to take the shift, and I decided I needed the time to do things here at home. And, in reality, I couldn't take pretending to be positive one more minute.

I thought about calling people tonight. I knew my timing sucked though. One friend is already depressed and didn't need my tears on top of her own problems. Another would have needed to get off the phone quickly to deal with family stuff, and I couldn't be sure that I wouldn't unreasonably resent a perfectly reasonable interruption. I'm not good at calling or reaching out. I tried calling a local friend and ended up being her support and talking her through worries about her new job. I didn't want to my brother-in-law and family because they are in a reasonable place right now, and while I know they'd be glad to be there for me, I would have felt the need to try and hide just how badly I'm hurting (yes, Scott, I know that is foolish). I even throught about calling my mother-in-law, but really how can I talk to her about my pain when she has had even more losses? I didn't call any of the many other people who have offered to have me do so, partly because I was afraid they'd be to busy and partly because I really dislike making phone calls.

I have to find a counselor near by. I can't risk calling any of the local hot-lines to talk because I'm afraid I'd get popped into an inpatient situation which would risk my jobs. Each day it gets harder to get out of bed and pull on the persona that I have to wear through the day.

Bedtime. The cats are ready, and I'm cold inside and out.


Dec. 6th, 2008 09:55 am
The holiday season is incredibly draining. I'm trying desperately to appear more upbeat after having heard from my daughter how hard it is for her to cope with my tears and depression. It isn't, after all, as if I don't have plenty of alone time where I can fall apart all I want.

I want/need to gather/make Christmas gifts for family and friends, and just can't seem to get my act together. By this time of year, Greg and I always had at the very minimum a list completed for all but one or two people, most of the items purchased or made, and had plans to deal with the rest. This year I've got a few items for the kids which I purchased over the last few months, but I can't even tell you what I got or where I put it (except for a pen-sized fishing rod I got for Garrett).

I can't enjoy Christmas this year. Usually it is a stressful but pleasant time, now it is just stressful and painful. Every time I turn around there is something that reminds me of our loss. I was given 3 huge tubs of Christmas decorations, and I can't even begin to consider decorating. First of all, it is just me and the cats and they don't care. Secondly, Christmas is about sharing with family, and I really don't have anyone local to be spending time with. (Yes, I have given up on both children, they've clearly got their own lives, and I can't blame them for wanting to avoid my depression). Travel to visit friends isn't really much of an option between work, and my desperate desire to avoid church related activities at Christmas. I've also never been comfortable visiting other people - or rather spending the night at other people's houses, even if they are family. Sometimes it is necessary, and I can do it, but I tend to dread it. It was ok doing so with Greg, because having him was almost as comfortable as being at home. On my own, it is less so. I know I could invite myself to visit most of my friends over the holiday, but I'm just not good at being a social person, and I'm especially afraid that this year I am likely to pull down the mood of any gathering.

I need to make a list of everyone I want to get gifts for. I need to then go through and see who on that list I can make/bake things for and who needs gifts purchased. I have purchased a couple of gift cards as gifts (from companies that have made no noises about going out of business in the next month). I haven't figured out anything really personal for most of my relatives, which bugs me to no end.

I've been asked to make a list of things I want, too. Unfortunately, what I want most isn't available. I also find it very hard to ask for things, and a little uncomfortable when people go overboard providing things that I've said I am looking for (*looks pointedly northward toward a very dear person who goes way way way overboard*). Of course, if I want family members to provide me with wish lists, I know I have to do the same in return. Time to go to Amazon and create one, I guess. Most of what I want is little stuff, at least, with the occasional over-the-top item which I don't need but would really like to have.

I'm tired of working, and would dearly love a day off. The one I had earlier this week when I was sick didn't count at all. Somehow even though we've hired someone to cover Saturdays, I've ended up working every Saturday but one. At least the weekend before Christmas I won't be working.... but will be traveling to visit family, which will be good but is always emotionally draining. I refuse to spend my entire time there weeping in a corner, but it takes an extra lot of energy to keep from doing that. It seems to be how I want to cope these days. Or not cope, I guess.

Must get up and get ready for work. I also desperately need to find time/energy to buy some things for the house to make it more weather-tight. We're spending a huge amount on heating, and I'm keeping the temperature much lower than is comfortable as is. I do have a programmable thermostat to install, but I really don't want to do that when I am alone in the house, just in case.

It seems Faeryn didn't come home last night, didn't call, didn't text. I'm sure she did the sensible thing and stayed somewhere safe after having something alcoholic to drink, just wish she'd let me know, as I have asked.

Next thing on the agenda is to clean up the living room and kitchen to make it a) presentable in case people stop by (ha, ha) and b) in a decent condition for cooking/baking. I don't cook much anymore, just heat up a can of something, or pop a frozen meal in the micro-wave, but for actually holiday baking I really need a thoroughly clean kitchen. Of course, by the time I get home from work today, the odds of that happening are slim to none. Then comes getting the hallroom bathroom cleaned because I doubt it is going to get done otherwise.

Ok, said I'd only post if I had something positive to include. I've whinged, now I need something positive.

The birds are keeping the cats greatly amused and are enjoying the new suet cakes I found for them that include *shudder* mealworms. I counted at least 8 different kinds of birds in the 2-3 minutes that I was looking out at them with Snuggles.
Next week is the office potluck. I'm given to understand that "country cooking" is the norm. The turkey is being provided by the company and the rest of us are to bring side-dishes and/or desserts. I was also told that the men usually bring the desserts and/or drinks, and the women are expected/depended upon to bring the side/savory dishes. The few things I thought I might be able to handle (stuffing, green beans, mashed potatoes and meatballs) have already been taken.

Anyone have any simple tried and true suggestions? I'm not much of a cook, but I can follow basic directions. The only caveat is that I prefer not to work with seafood or eggplant because of food allergies.




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