Baby!

Mar. 6th, 2011 10:23 pm
thekyttn: (Caeden)
Many of you know that my son's girlfriend was expecting a baby, and some know about my concerns about paternity. Kathy gave birth on Saturday (had an emergency c-section actually; both she and baby are fine), and we're all accepting that Caeden is Garrett's son. Ok, I still have my doubts, but since Garrett is accepting the baby as his, unless they choose to do DNA testing and get a different answer, Caeden is my grandson. Good thing too, because that little boy has me entirely wrapped around his fingers already. I know life just got a great deal more complicated, but I suspect he's going to make it worth it.

Tonight I printed out wallet-size copies of some of the pictures I've taken of Caeden with my digital phone. I put out a set for Scott and Carol and Faeryn, and am giving a batch to Garrett and Kathy to give away as they choose. I also put aside a set for myself and for Greg. It was a full 10 minutes after I'd cut the pictures before I realized what I'd done.

This little boy and the pleasure he gives me is so very bittersweet. When things went downhill in the delivery room on Saturday morning, and they rushed Kathy away for an emergency C-section, I immediately spoke to Greg and begged him to be with Caeden and Kathy and to do what he could to look out for our little boy. That evening when I finally got to hold Caeden (his name is going to be Caeden Garrett Corbin on the birth certificate), I told him a lot about his Opa Greg (I'm going to be Oma) who will be watching over him. I intend for him to grow up seeing pictures of Greg and knowing who he is.

It's been a long weekend, and I'm desperate for some downtime and sleep. Not sure when that will happen. Tomorrow I'm not going to see Caeden as they are going home from the hospital, and by the time I get done with work then therapy, it will be almost 8pm and I figure they will need the peace and quiet. Garrett gently suggested to me today that perhaps I wouldn't mind not coming by at lunch as they will have just gotten home and will be exhausted. It's going to be hard not to go by every day, though I know I can't do that.

Anyway, I have a beautiful grandson who I am going to have to work hard to keep from spoiling, and who is already showing signs of stubborness and temper. I expect I'm going to be getting some revenge on Garrett very early for some of the gray hairs he's given me!

townhouse

Feb. 10th, 2011 09:47 pm
For much of the afternoon and evening, I've been thinking of what I might post here. Now that I'm finally at a computer, I find my self too drained and my head hurting too much to write even half of it.

The townhouse has been on the market for almost a year. It is hard for me to remember that this is not the house that my beloved and I lived in, but a similar structure standing on the same slab. Even the tree that stood outside our bedroom has been removed.

Today I received and signed a contract for the townhouse. I desperately need to sell it, both because I can't afford to continue paying the mortgage and because it is time to let go. I still can't go into the neighborhood without approaching panic and/or feeling distinctly unwell. I think I've been by the house a total of 5 times since it was rebuilt, and only one of them willingly, when I thought I might somehow feel closer to Greg there (I didn't).

So the contract has been signed for an offer less than I hoped for, but more than I was afraid I'd have to accept. Which would be ok, because after all, it takes time to process things, and by the time closing rolls around I'll be used to the idea, right? Umm, no. They want to close next Thursday. One week from today. All that has to be done first is a home inspection and for the buyer to review the bylaws for the Home Owners Association. The HOA may be what does me in, but I hope not.

So a week from today, I may no longer own the home that Greg and I lived in from the time we were married until the day of his death. Just writing that makes me start shaking again.

It isn't our home. Hasn't been for over 3 years now. I don't know why it is so very hard to let go, when I KNOW it isn't our home and I KNOW I can't afford to keep it, and I KNOW I only hurt when I go there, and there is no good reason for me to fall apart over the sale.

Somehow it sort of feels like I'm giving up on him by letting go of the house, which is stupid, of course, because holding on the house isn't going to magically bring him back. If it would, I'd beg, borrow and steal to make it so.

A week from now, one more burden will be lifted from my shoulders. I wish it felt like as much of a good thing as I know it is.
I'm seriously considering attempting to attend Camp Widow in San Diego the weekend of August 6th. It is a gathering of widows (and widowers) with a number of speakers and presentations, and the opportunity to meet other people who are in the same place I am, or who have been in this place and gotten through it. I already get a lot of .... comfort?... from reading http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/ and think I'd like to meet some of the people who write there. Maybe.

Kinda scary, though.
The userpic is a rose that used to grow in the garden of the townhouse.

Cons are such a mixed blessing.

Yesterday I made it to Boston with minimal trouble. A little black ice on my driveway, and I got lost finding my way to the Daily Parking at IAD. Still made it to the gate 2 hours early. Decided at the last minute to take advantage of pre-boarding because I can't lift my left arm above my head, and am SO grateful that I did. Will do the same on the way back. It is worth the nasty looks from people who think I shouldn't be doing so because I don't look sick.

Faeryn caught up with me at the airport and escorted me to the home where she is living/working. We had time to catch up a bit, though I was pretty foggy from the journey and wasn't as communicative as would have been nice. F. provided me with a bag of thoughtful valentine goodies. Got to meet the family and get lots of baby cuddle-time. Little H. is adorable, and I enjoyed getting to chat with his parents too (I know they won't mind too much that my attention was focused mostly on him). I did have to reassure them that I had no desire to kidnap Baby even though I was dearly enjoying cuddling him - I want no more teens!

Eventually F's new local boyfriend, Jimmy, showed up and went with us to the con.

We explored the dealers room a bit and met a few people before registering for the con, and eventually Mary Anne found and kidnapped me for dinner, which was the highlight of my evening. I caught up with F. and J. in time to get in trouble for saying too much and to say goodnight to them before they went elsewhere for a bit. Early to bed for me, though not early to sleep. I woke in time to watch part of the sunrise from my room, then came down to the lobby to find internet access since I couldn't get connected there. Now I am trying to figure out what I want to do next.

Cons are a very mixed blessing. I love seeing people and collecting hugs, and I feel guilty that I don't reach out to any of these people in between cons. Most of them don't know or understand that by the time I can force myself to make that phone call to reach out, I am pretty much at the end of my rope and hanging on for dear life. I love the feeling of being cared for and somehow connected again. I feel closer to Greg. And I miss him more than ever. I see people we know, and turn to point them out to him. I saw Louis McMaster Bujold yesterday and wished desperately that he was there to meet her. I'm still considering getting her to autograph one of her books for him, silly as it sounds. I've greeted a few people who only know me as Greg's wife (which is perfectly fine with me). How many times did I go to cons with him, and just lean against him as I listened to him talk to people whose names I couldn't quite remember? I'm already overwhelmed and ready to go home, and there are still so many people I want to see and hug. I'm at the point this morning, though, where I'm already breaking into tears for no real reason.

I think it is time for water and Ibuprofen and to either wander the galleria a bit or go back up to my room and cool down a bit (the public areas of the hotel are grossly overheated - I'm sweating in a light-weight t-shirt!

Will try to keep up with LJ and FB, but with the limited connectivity available, I may miss something, so please drop me a note here if there is something you'd like me to know about or comment on.
I need hugs. Unfortunately 3 of the 5 people who are local enough to ask for hugs are smokers, which my lungs can't handle right now, a 4th spends enough time with a smoker that I sometimes smell the smoke on her, and the 5th person I only see every week to 10 days at most, and often not at a time when I can leave my desk to hug her.

I'm almost ready for winter to be over and my next potential visit to Boston for a con to be closer. That will change when the snow starts - I want lots of snow - but right now I want hugs more.

I'll get a hug fix sometime in November or December when I go to PA to visit. Tonight that just seems far away.
It has been a long but not awful day, I guess.

46 years ago today, my husband Greg, the love of my life and my best friend, was born. I miss him horribly.

I did my falling apart early when I woke up at 4am after only a couple of hours of sleep, then cried myself back to sleep and into a nasty headache. I managed to get my act together, though, and be mostly upbeat when Faeryn left for the morning. Carol called and talked to me a bit, then Kathy came around 11:30 to hang out for a bit. My mother dropped her off with some very welcome chocolate cake and spicy peanuts. Dr. W, my therapist, called to check on me and see how I was surviving the day. Faeryn came home after her morning of babysitting and her boyfriend, Lee, came over for an hour as well. I got to talk to Kathy about Greg, reliving our first in person meeting and our first kiss. We looked at some stuff online, and I made appointments for an electrician to come give me estimates on some things I need done in the next few months. Kathy and I played some of the best Rummy I've played in years. At 6, Garrett came to get Kathy and by 7pm I was on my own again.

The house is quiet now and I am settled down for the evening with the cats. Snugs is passed out beside me, and Emo is gazing out the window, hoping his Faeryn will come home. Bed for me, soon, I think.

I wish I could sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time and that I'd stop waking up looking for him.

Emo has decided to come and curl up on me for a while and wants me to stop typing and put away the netbook.

Goodnight all.
Over a year and a half later, I'm still saving the juice from the fruit-cocktail for him to drink. He always hated it when I drained fruit into the sink. I went to put the finished dessert in the refrigerator, and there was the glass of juice.
If I could find comfort in pleasant memories, I'd be grateful. Instead I keep thinking of all the things I didn't say or do, or didn't say or do often enough. I remember how selfish I was/am and worry that he doesn't know that he was and is the mainstay of my life. I remember arguments or scoldings, I remember being ungrateful when I was sick. I remember being grouchy and taking it out on him even through he didn't deserve it in the least. I remember making him worry. It is hard to remember making him smile or laugh. I remember other people doing that, though.

There are so many "if only"s. I wish so much that I could know that he knows how much I love and need him and how very lost I am without him.
I never stop missing Greg, and I've still yet to make it through 48 hours without crying for him (though that is an improvement over a year ago when I couldn't make it 12 hours). Most of the time I can pull myself together pretty quickly. Some nights though, like tonight, it hurts more than ever and I pray desperately for sleep and the relief that usually comes with it.

I know that in 2 weeks I'll be around friends and that will help. Tonight, though, it is just me in a far-too-empty bed, and a pair of noisy cats.

I want to sleep. Sometimes he is in my dreams, and I forget, for just a little while, that he's not here anymore.

I miss him so very much.
Geocities is going away, so I'll lose the pages Greg and I worked on for our wedding. I really am clueless when it comes to dealing with stuff like this. Can someone (Scott, maybe?) tell me what I need to do to rescue/save those pages?
Really long day at work, especially since I had to go in to open rather unexpectedly. Luckily I was already out and about and while not exactly dressed the way I like to dress for work, my body was covered. I worked 9:30-12:30, then 4-almost 8:30.

This got long... )
Maybe it is just as well that I am not going to have the ablation done anytime some. There is an advantage to being so exhausted and drained that I fall asleep any time I close my eyes for more than 10 seconds. On nights like tonight, when I napped briefly earlier then was woken by cats, and now can't get to sleep again, I can't stop thinking about the fire, about Greg, about how lonely and empty life is without him and all the things I didn't get to say or do before I lost him and how afraid I am that he didn't know just how much I love him. Being exhausted keeps me from thinking as much, keeps me almost too tired to hurt. As long as the fatigue isn't making me unable to do my job(s), I think I'm going to let this go. I'll concentrate my energies on getting through work rather than running round from MD to MD trying to get the damned procedure done.

I know some people are going to be upset with me if I stop trying to get treatment, but really and truly, I can't take this pain every night. Letting my body get so fatigued that it shuts off for a bit every chance it gets has to be better than using drugs or alcohol to get the same relief.

I've typed and erased the next paragraph several times, and I'm going to leave it erased, because really it doesn't need to be said out loud here.

Time to try again to sleep and hope that I make it through until morning.
I'm in bed at last, very grateful to be prone and mostly in the dark. In the room next door is one of my favorite people, who made the evening extremely enjoyable. Carol is so incredibly comforting to be around. She gives sympathy while actively discouraging self-pity and is understanding enough that I can talk to her about just about anything. I talked to her honestly about my reactions to my pelvic ultrasound, and she understood and didn't condemn me, even though she didn't agree with me. I feel better having talked to her. As always, being around Carol or any of that family, I feel comfortable and part of the family and like I belong. I can't thank Greg enough for leaving me a really wonderful family that is willing to keep me even without him.

Tomorrow we'll go to a couple of yard sales, dinner with the kids in the evening and maybe to Rivals to hear Faeryn sing karaoke. I don't have to work until Monday, so I can enjoy the weekend and the company. It is going to be a very pleasant weekend!

I hope everyone at FKO is having a wonderful time and I'm looking forward to con reports and pictures.

Now Snugs and I are going to sleep.
F. lost the only key to my car, which I had let her use to go out this evening while her car was in the shop.

This means a cab to work tomorrow ($30 trip), and goodness knows how I'm getting to my ultrasound appointment.

I really can't take any more tonight.

ETA: My son is bringing F home, and I remembered that I have Greg's key to the car, which they will borrow long enough to go get my car and bring it home. It is both heart breaking and reassuring that Greg can help me even now.
It is driving me nuts that I can't remember exactly what year I first met Greg in person. We were each dating other people at the time and met purely as friends. My children were small. We picked him up from a con in DC and went to the Smithsonian. By the time we parted ways that evening, I was head over heels in love, went home, and broke up with the guy I was dating. He didn't know I was in love with him for a very long time after that (after all, he was still involved with someone). I should be able to identify the year, but I can't.

Hoping

Mar. 24th, 2009 07:58 pm
Would my friends who are on flickr who have pictures of Greg be willing to a) point me toward them if you think I might not know about them, and b) be willing to adjust settings so I can order prints, please? I've downloaded copies here and there last year, and had prints made from those, but I suspect they'd turn out much better from the original image. I'm slowly working toward making a scrapbook, and pictures and stories (I'll probably print some of the things that were sent to me earlier) about Greg would be very much appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

Maya
Went to the gyn appointment today. TMI behind cut )
The emptiness is overwhelming tonight. I've made it through one year. I guess I'll make it through another.

Still discovering ways in which people have reached out to help and support us since the fire, and it is still incredibly overwhelming. I haven't said thank you enough to so many of the people who have been here for me, and I can't seem to find the words to do so.

I'm grateful to everyone who has been continually giving support and love since the fire. It is my responsibility to not let you all down that is keeping me going some days - like today.

I really want to be with my husband tonight.
It has been a long day. I didn't end up driving home as planned because Charlottesville had a great deal of ice and it was decided that it was unsafe for me to try to drive home. I think it was a good decision as my head was bad and it took two doses of heavy pain killer to get it under control. I spent a great deal of the morning stressing over the decision while Carol reassured me. The rest of the day was spent watching TV, making some jewelry, resting and chatting. Now I'm tired, everyone has gone to bed (after I kept them up later than usual), and I'm trying to get my brain to stop stressing enough to sleep.

It has been a good trip, and yesterday wasn't quite as bad as I was afraid it would be in some ways, more difficult in others. Garrett called and talked to me for a while which was wonderful. Carol and I talked a bit, and she's been very kind and listened to stories of Greg here and there. It is nice being here, though I'm also ready for home and my kitties. It is good being with family. I didn't actually see Mom McM; she's coping in her own ways. I've relaxed a lot and been very lazy and generally been quite spoiled. It will be hard going home to an empty house and loneliness again, but I can call when I want to and visit again in a couple of months or so.

Today I'm too tired to cry much. I'll sleep soon, hopefully, and leave in the morning after rush hour. Weather in C'ville should be better by the time I get home. It may not be great here, but on this end I'll be leaving feeling relatively fresh, and it should be better around the time when I start to fade, hopefully.

A year has gone by, a whole year since the best part of my life ended. A year ago I lost hope when I lost Greg. I'm very grateful for all the love and support that we've gotten over the past year that has helped me keep going, helped me keep my promises to Greg, helped me do what is right. Many thanks to all of you.
My therapist thought that I should write something special tonight about the fire, about losing Greg, about the profound effect it has had on my life.

I have no words that I haven't already spoken. It has been a long year, an extended nightmare. I miss him more each day. I know the rest of the family is also still in great pain.

I spent time at his grave on Saturday and talked to him for a while. I had hoped it would help somehow, somehow give me some closure or some form of comfort. It didn't. Spending time with Scott and Carol and Matthew has helped keep me sane over the last few days and distracted a bit, but if I don't keep busy or distracted, I'm aware that a year ago today my life changed forever.

He was the most wonderful, loving, supportive man I've ever met. He loved me more than I deserved, and I hope he knew just how much I love him. I called him LOML, the Love of My Life, and that is what he was and is. I miss him and I love him, and I'm just waiting for the day I can be with him again.

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