Home in one piece, with the cats close around me. Going for a nap now; the last few miles home are a blur.
I'm sitting at the airport, waiting to start toward home. I got one last hug before leaving, which was lovely. I had not expected to see any one still up, but apparently a few hardy souls were still filking.

It was a good trip overall, and I am glad I went. It was really hard at times, but the hugs and love and support were worth it.
Oh how I have to laugh at myself. I almost burst into tears when Steve Mac played Queen of Argyle. I remember hearing that for the first time at my first GaFilk with Greg. I remember being fretful that weekend, because we'd been dating for so long, but I wasn't sure that Greg wanted it to last or go further. I was so very unsure of my place in his life, especially after meeting so many of his very talented and intelligent friends, who seemed so much "better" than me. I was head over heels in love with Greg, but hadn't yet realized he felt the same way about me. My love was always so very cautious and careful. I remember him singing along with Steve Mac, and commenting on Mike Whitaker joining in and how wonderful it all sounded, and wondering if I'd be with him the next time he went to a filk, and feeling so totally out of my element.

I think that was actually the GaFilk before we got engaged, which we announced at FKO the same year. Steve Mac and Terence took great pleasure in playing one song after another to put me to the blush that weekend.

Before I left tonight, Tom Jeffers asked if there was any song I wanted him and Dave to play. I started to request Highway Man, which I love, then decided on Dixie Chicken. It was hard not asking for 45 Years, which Greg and I asked for every time we saw Dave. Dixie Chicken was wonderful and fun, of course. I think that was the highlight of my weekend. I sat with Dave and Tom on one side, and Steve Mac on the other, so I could watch the guitar work of both and hear three of my favorite voices.

I got to chat with several people, got hugs from people I remember being terrified of years ago. I got a kiss on the cheek from someone who once I'd have been speechless around. I find it amazing how many walls I've let drop since I lost Greg, how many people who scared me have reached out to me, and I now feel grateful for and rely on for love and support. It is an amazing family that he brought to me, in so many ways, not only his blood family but this wonderful found family that I feel more comfortable turning to than my own parents.

I'm tired, but not sure I can sleep. I'm going to lie down, though, and I've got 3 alarms set to make sure I get up in time to get to the airport. Next post (hopefully) should be from Virginia.

There is a fellow named Jeff that I've seen several times this weekend. Each time I've seen him, my heart has stopped a second. Today he was wearing a shirt very much like one of Greg's. He's a little shorter than Greg, and slightly stockier, but he has a similar hair pattern and the same coloring, and glasses. I never spoke to him. When I went into a filk circle to say goodnight to people, the back of his head was so familiar, I almost hugged him from behind automatically because I was listening to the music and not thinking.
The intefilk auction was fun to watch, as always. There was one particular item which meant a great deal to me. Harold Stein donated a recording of songs from New York Housefilks, and appended bonus tracks from GaFilk 2008, including a song that Greg was part of, which he added particularly in memory of Greg. The CD went for well over $200 (I lost track while trying to keep control of emotions). Greg would have been so very pleased and excited.

Listening to the CD, I can hear and see him so clearly. You can hear him singing and later hear him laughing. It is so good and so very hard to listen to him.

I wandered around a little to get some hugs before coming back to the room to pack and listen to Greg. I'd really like to curl up with someone for a few minutes and just cry.

I'm going to pack now, then go out again for a bit and listen to the music and get some more hugs. Tomorrow the cab comes to get me at 6:15, so hopefully I won't stay up too too late.
Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself.

It is so good getting hugs and seeing people, even just in passing for a moment or two. But some of the music is SO very hard to hear. It is amazing the number of filk songs written about love and absent friends. I cried myself into a royal headache, so it is time for meds and maybe food and a little rest while everyone else is at dinner or the banquet.
Just a quick post (I hope) before I collapse.

For those of you who knew I was flying this weekend, I made it safely to Ohio. There was apparently a plane crash at our local airport, but I don't know any details yet.

It was a very long day, starting with being at work by 6am, and arriving at the hotel here a bit after 9pm. I've already said hello to a lot of people, gotten and given lots of hugs, and listened to much of the Pegasus concert - what hard choices to make this year!

I hadn't eaten anything all day other than cough drops, but did make it to the con suite and had a few cubes of cheese, some crackers and a banana. Tomorrow I promise to do better.

Now I am off to sleep, I hope.

It feels really wrong being in a circle without him. I didn't cry during the music, but I came close. I really hope that someday filk music will start to bring more joy than pain again.

Goodnight all.



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