What a day it has been. (excerpts from my email to Mom McM):

Tonight wasn't as bad as it might have been, but it was hard. Both my children and a friend from work came with me to do a walk-through of the townhouse. We found a number of things that needed to be repaired, but nothing that can't be done relatively quickly. The contractor says he can have things done by next Friday and I've asked for the 15th as a very firm final date (he has a tendency to say he can do something in a time frame, then it takes a day or two more).

My father surprised me today by calling me at work and inviting the children and me to dinner with the family (him, Mom and my Aunt and Uncle) at the Outback. He wanted to know the earliest I could be available, and I told him between 7 and 7:30 (it was just after 7:30 when I joined them) after the walk through of the townhouse. I was afraid that I'd not cope well after the walk through, but wasn't going to argue since I was grateful that they were willing to change the venue. Timing wasn't as bad as I thought, the distraction helped, a good dinner was lovely, and it was good to see my Aunt and Uncle again. I made it through the meal without a problem, but when we left, and I thanked my parents for having changed the venue, I fell apart. I told my Mom that I hadn't even been able to go to the Indian grocery, that I'd made it a few steps in and then had to leave. I think they actually understand and believe me now that I'm not just being difficult, but that some things are just too hard to do without Greg.

Tomorrow I go in the morning and get a nice large check from the bank, and will hopefully be closing around 10 am. Tomorrow is a long day; I go to the City at 7, leave at 9 to go to the bank, then to the attorney's office at 10. Then back to the City until 5, home for a quick dinner, then to the Book Room from 6 until 8. Saturday I work 10-8 (long day!) and Sunday 11-6. I should sleep well Sunday night!.

My mother-in-law told me she expected I've have problems with headaches/stress whenever I face a "new milestone as a single rather than as a married". This is what I told her, and I am afraid it comes on too strong, but boy did her words touch a nerve:

I can't and won't think of myself as a single. I may have to live the rest of my life without Greg at my side, but I am still his wife. He still has my heart and I still think of him as my husband. It hurts so very much to be apart from him, and I know that you are right, and every major milestone I reach without him here is going to hurt. I just keep hoping that eventually I'll get used to the pain and be able to cope with it better, or the edges will dull a little and it will hurt just a little less.

Now I am off to bed. I'm tired, my head hurts, tomorrow will be a very long day. At least two hard-to-deal-with things are done for this week, and I only have one major thing left to do tomorrow.


Jul. 30th, 2008 09:36 pm
My father's sister, Lila, and her husband, Alistair, are going to be in Charlottesville to visit for a couple of days. I haven't seen them in at least 15 years.

My parents want me to come to their house for dinner with my children and Lila and Alistair. I can't. I simply can't go there. Greg once promised me I'd never have to go there without him, that I'd never have to deal with that without him. Just the idea of going without Greg hurts beyond explanation. Faeryn understand this and tried to explain to my parents. My father told her that the presence of my aunt and uncle should be enough of a distraction. Faeryn offered to help arrange something for a late dessert at our house, but they are unwilling to come.

My choices are to not see the Aunt and uncle that I haven't seen in 15 years (and since they live in Australia, it may be the only chance I get), or to go to my parents house, which I don't think I can cope with. It sounds so stupid when I write it out, and there really should only be one choice - to see the family, but I don't want to go there without my husband. I don't want to walk through those doors without him. I don't know how to deal with being there without him to lean on.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Edit: The issue is very much going to that property, more than seeing my parents. Not that I'm often too particularly happy to see them, but I can cope with that elsewhere. They live less than 5 miles away from me, and quite honestly, their refusal to come here in this situation makes me even less willing to be around them. My children will be going to my parents' house for dinner, and Faeryn will express, again, my desire to see my aunt and uncle and ask them to come over to the house. That is pretty much the best that can be done. I was awake far too much last night trying to convince myself I needed to go over, and cried myself into a headache so bad I have no business going to work (which I will be doing, because it is my second day on the job, I'm in the middle of dealing with Payroll, and unless I'm dead or contagious, my work-ethic says I have to try to do my job).



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