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Really long day at work, especially since I had to go in to open rather unexpectedly. Luckily I was already out and about and while not exactly dressed the way I like to dress for work, my body was covered. I worked 9:30-12:30, then 4-almost 8:30.
C. came in to talk to me today and to let me know she wouldn't be coming back to work for a long time, if at all. She has some major problems related to her first marriage and is going to end up doing some jail time as a conspirator because she knew what her then-husband (father of her first 3 children) was doing and didn't report him. She has a new baby, about a month old and tomorrow has to leave her, going to Connecticut for trial, as well as her 2 and 4 year olds. She's in tremendous pain, to say the least. I've promised not to tell our co-workers more than necessary - my explanation has been that she has a family crisis which requires her to go out of town. I wish so much I could do something to help, or that she was at least going to be here, where her family could visit; where I could visit.
T. called me this morning from New Orleans, where she is attending the Jazz Festival. She called just to check how my dinner with my parents went last night, because she knew I was dreading it. I was stunned and pleased and am still having a really hard time adjusting to having a local person who really cares about me as a friend and who goes out of her way to make her friendship clear. I'm not used to that. Other than Greg, I've not really had a good local friend except for casual relationships with co-workers, or friends who need me to be there for them, but are less willing or able to cope with being there for me. (Theresa really does care, but I tend to be her support much more than the other way around (she gets very uncomfortable when I get upset). With T. it usually goes both ways, though I think she gives me more support than I give her.)
During my break between shifts, I went to a freesale given by a local church. I ended up speaking extensively with the pastor and may try visiting there one Thursday evening (I am at work during the Sunday service). It is a charismatic church, which I am not thrilled about because I am used to more sedate/ordered presbyterian services, but I liked the pastor a great deal and what he had to say today struck pretty close to home for me. He understand that I haven't been through an entire service since Greg died and that I'm having a really hard time forgiving God. He is ok if I come in and have to leave after 5 minutes or immediately. He showed more concern and caring about my spiritual and emotional being than the ministers at the church where Greg and I went have since the funeral service. He managed to minister to me without being pushy and sounded sincere rather than preachy. I don't really know what Greg would think about the church, but the fact that I actually feel like trying to attend and to consider mending fences with God means it is probably a decent starting place. The one thing that he said that made the biggest difference in some ways, and which I don't really know if I believe, but was good to hear, was that even though I'm not talking to God right now, even though I don't particularly like God right now, God still cares for me, and if I died tomorrow, I'd still be with Greg. My only fear about dying now is that I won't see Greg on the other side, and I've been working on becoming resigned to that. If the pastor is right, it takes away that fear, and leaves room for a little hope.
I came home after that and took a too-short nap on the back deck before going back to work. At work I was bad and plugged in a flash-drive and played a batch of filk MP3s, some John McCutcheon, and at the end of the shift, some songs Faeryn sang and recorded. I realized that I need to rearrange the order a bit... I've currently got Terence singing "The Rest of Forever", followed by Dave Clement singing "Winding Road", followed by Kathy Mar singing "Velveteen". A combination guaranteed to make me weep (not that I can get through the first verse of "The Rest of Forever" without crying). And I've got The Rest of Forever on the drive twice. What I don't have on the drive, because I can't figure out where I put the CD, is anything from Tim and Annie's CD. I need to get to a con simply to purchase more CDs.
I need to go to sleep now as I'm beyond tired, but my mind won't shut off. I miss Greg so much and want to talk about the day with him and get his feedback. I want to curl up beside him and rest my head on his shoulder and listen to his heartbeat. I desperately wish I knew how long it will be until I'm with him again, if I ever will be.
And now I'm letting the depression spill into the entry and I was trying to avoid that. So, good night.
C. came in to talk to me today and to let me know she wouldn't be coming back to work for a long time, if at all. She has some major problems related to her first marriage and is going to end up doing some jail time as a conspirator because she knew what her then-husband (father of her first 3 children) was doing and didn't report him. She has a new baby, about a month old and tomorrow has to leave her, going to Connecticut for trial, as well as her 2 and 4 year olds. She's in tremendous pain, to say the least. I've promised not to tell our co-workers more than necessary - my explanation has been that she has a family crisis which requires her to go out of town. I wish so much I could do something to help, or that she was at least going to be here, where her family could visit; where I could visit.
T. called me this morning from New Orleans, where she is attending the Jazz Festival. She called just to check how my dinner with my parents went last night, because she knew I was dreading it. I was stunned and pleased and am still having a really hard time adjusting to having a local person who really cares about me as a friend and who goes out of her way to make her friendship clear. I'm not used to that. Other than Greg, I've not really had a good local friend except for casual relationships with co-workers, or friends who need me to be there for them, but are less willing or able to cope with being there for me. (Theresa really does care, but I tend to be her support much more than the other way around (she gets very uncomfortable when I get upset). With T. it usually goes both ways, though I think she gives me more support than I give her.)
During my break between shifts, I went to a freesale given by a local church. I ended up speaking extensively with the pastor and may try visiting there one Thursday evening (I am at work during the Sunday service). It is a charismatic church, which I am not thrilled about because I am used to more sedate/ordered presbyterian services, but I liked the pastor a great deal and what he had to say today struck pretty close to home for me. He understand that I haven't been through an entire service since Greg died and that I'm having a really hard time forgiving God. He is ok if I come in and have to leave after 5 minutes or immediately. He showed more concern and caring about my spiritual and emotional being than the ministers at the church where Greg and I went have since the funeral service. He managed to minister to me without being pushy and sounded sincere rather than preachy. I don't really know what Greg would think about the church, but the fact that I actually feel like trying to attend and to consider mending fences with God means it is probably a decent starting place. The one thing that he said that made the biggest difference in some ways, and which I don't really know if I believe, but was good to hear, was that even though I'm not talking to God right now, even though I don't particularly like God right now, God still cares for me, and if I died tomorrow, I'd still be with Greg. My only fear about dying now is that I won't see Greg on the other side, and I've been working on becoming resigned to that. If the pastor is right, it takes away that fear, and leaves room for a little hope.
I came home after that and took a too-short nap on the back deck before going back to work. At work I was bad and plugged in a flash-drive and played a batch of filk MP3s, some John McCutcheon, and at the end of the shift, some songs Faeryn sang and recorded. I realized that I need to rearrange the order a bit... I've currently got Terence singing "The Rest of Forever", followed by Dave Clement singing "Winding Road", followed by Kathy Mar singing "Velveteen". A combination guaranteed to make me weep (not that I can get through the first verse of "The Rest of Forever" without crying). And I've got The Rest of Forever on the drive twice. What I don't have on the drive, because I can't figure out where I put the CD, is anything from Tim and Annie's CD. I need to get to a con simply to purchase more CDs.
I need to go to sleep now as I'm beyond tired, but my mind won't shut off. I miss Greg so much and want to talk about the day with him and get his feedback. I want to curl up beside him and rest my head on his shoulder and listen to his heartbeat. I desperately wish I knew how long it will be until I'm with him again, if I ever will be.
And now I'm letting the depression spill into the entry and I was trying to avoid that. So, good night.
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