(no subject)

I hate the time after I turn off the TV and lie quietly in the dark trying to go to sleep. I can manage as long as I stay busy, as long as my mind is occupied, even with simple things like watching TV or listening to an audio book. It seems like the minute it gets quiet, memories and grief overwhelm me. I'm afraid of silence. I keep an audio book going in the car, even for the less than 1 mile drive to the grocery store. The minute I settle down at home, I turn on the TV. Music makes me cry most of the time, though I now listen to an occasional filk CD at work, and do ok with them as long as I am busy with other things as well. I can't go to sleep unless I'm exhausted enough to fall asleep while listening to the TV or a book and usually that is far too late to get enough rest before work. I cycle through days of getting 2-4 hours of sleep, then using Nyquil or Tylenol PM to help me get to sleep (and stay asleep) early to make up for the nights of little sleep.

Things must be getting better. I can make it through most work-days now without falling apart obviously at work unless we talk about Greg. I even tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to sign up for a class on wire-wrapping at a local bead shop. Hopefully the next time they have the class I'll sign up before the class fills up.

Tomorrow I talk to the psychiatrist about my Wellbutrin. I guess I'm doing ok on it, though I have a hard time remembering to take it on time, and it does seem to be affecting my memory. Maybe he will have some ideas.

For now, I need to find something to listen to so I can maybe get some sleep.