Kyttn's corner

I never stop missing Greg, and I've still yet to make it through 48 hours without crying for him (though that is an improvement over a year ago when I couldn't make it 12 hours). Most of the time I can pull myself together pretty quickly. Some nights though, like tonight, it hurts more than ever and I pray desperately for sleep and the relief that usually comes with it.

I know that in 2 weeks I'll be around friends and that will help. Tonight, though, it is just me in a far-too-empty bed, and a pair of noisy cats.

I want to sleep. Sometimes he is in my dreams, and I forget, for just a little while, that he's not here anymore.

I miss him so very much.

I've got a headache, I'm tired and totally depressed. I've had it for the day - for the year really, but I'm only allowed to give up for the night and have to restart in the morning.

I'm going to take a couple of Tylenol PM and hopefully will be asleep soon and will wake feeling a little less completely out of cope.

It has been a long day. I didn't end up driving home as planned because Charlottesville had a great deal of ice and it was decided that it was unsafe for me to try to drive home. I think it was a good decision as my head was bad and it took two doses of heavy pain killer to get it under control. I spent a great deal of the morning stressing over the decision while Carol reassured me. The rest of the day was spent watching TV, making some jewelry, resting and chatting. Now I'm tired, everyone has gone to bed (after I kept them up later than usual), and I'm trying to get my brain to stop stressing enough to sleep.

It has been a good trip, and yesterday wasn't quite as bad as I was afraid it would be in some ways, more difficult in others. Garrett called and talked to me for a while which was wonderful. Carol and I talked a bit, and she's been very kind and listened to stories of Greg here and there. It is nice being here, though I'm also ready for home and my kitties. It is good being with family. I didn't actually see Mom McM; she's coping in her own ways. I've relaxed a lot and been very lazy and generally been quite spoiled. It will be hard going home to an empty house and loneliness again, but I can call when I want to and visit again in a couple of months or so.

Today I'm too tired to cry much. I'll sleep soon, hopefully, and leave in the morning after rush hour. Weather in C'ville should be better by the time I get home. It may not be great here, but on this end I'll be leaving feeling relatively fresh, and it should be better around the time when I start to fade, hopefully.

A year has gone by, a whole year since the best part of my life ended. A year ago I lost hope when I lost Greg. I'm very grateful for all the love and support that we've gotten over the past year that has helped me keep going, helped me keep my promises to Greg, helped me do what is right. Many thanks to all of you.

Faeryn is asleep in her bedroom, and Trixie (her bunny) is rattling things in the rabbit cage. Snuggles is curled up at my feet, and Emo was curled up on my chest, but has now gone to visit with Faeryn.

I'm safe, and under warm covers. My coughing has stopped for the moment. I should be content.

Instead I'm aware of this massive emptiness on the other side of the bed and a I really don't know how I'm going to make it through this holiday, which was so important to Greg. We're approaching a year since my life was shredded into tiny pieces. I still cry at so many little things - like talking to someone about making homemade gatorade. I still don't want to eat Indian food, and I find it painful to see flames of any kind, even in videos or tv. We have a gas fireplace in the basement of this house, and it would be good if we could use it for heat when the power goes out, but I just can't do it.


There is no use whining here. I'm just trying to distract myself from the emptiness, I guess, with no success. It doesn't change anything, anyway.