(no subject)

If I could find comfort in pleasant memories, I'd be grateful. Instead I keep thinking of all the things I didn't say or do, or didn't say or do often enough. I remember how selfish I was/am and worry that he doesn't know that he was and is the mainstay of my life. I remember arguments or scoldings, I remember being ungrateful when I was sick. I remember being grouchy and taking it out on him even through he didn't deserve it in the least. I remember making him worry. It is hard to remember making him smile or laugh. I remember other people doing that, though.

There are so many "if only"s. I wish so much that I could know that he knows how much I love and need him and how very lost I am without him.