(no subject)

[thekyttn]

Maybe it is just as well that I am not going to have the ablation done anytime some. There is an advantage to being so exhausted and drained that I fall asleep any time I close my eyes for more than 10 seconds. On nights like tonight, when I napped briefly earlier then was woken by cats, and now can't get to sleep again, I can't stop thinking about the fire, about Greg, about how lonely and empty life is without him and all the things I didn't get to say or do before I lost him and how afraid I am that he didn't know just how much I love him. Being exhausted keeps me from thinking as much, keeps me almost too tired to hurt. As long as the fatigue isn't making me unable to do my job(s), I think I'm going to let this go. I'll concentrate my energies on getting through work rather than running round from MD to MD trying to get the damned procedure done.

I know some people are going to be upset with me if I stop trying to get treatment, but really and truly, I can't take this pain every night. Letting my body get so fatigued that it shuts off for a bit every chance it gets has to be better than using drugs or alcohol to get the same relief.

I've typed and erased the next paragraph several times, and I'm going to leave it erased, because really it doesn't need to be said out loud here.

Time to try again to sleep and hope that I make it through until morning.