thekyttn | (no subject)

Warning: Long rambly whiny post (and possible TMI) beyond .

It has been a long hard week between handling unpleasantness at work, issues with the infusions, general fatigue and not feeling well, and the usual grief over Greg's absence.

Tonight I finally got a call back from the NP I usually go to in response to the multiple calls I've made this week. He brushed aside all my concerns without really answering anything and acted like I was being a pain for having called. I'm not at all good at advocating for myself and getting questions answered. I've been on the receiving end of difficult patients and I try very hard not to be one. I don't have any issues/concerns about going in for another infusion, I like having the time to myself, even though it is very tiring. S, the NP, is convinced that my jump in blood pressure is from my anxiousness over the infusion, though I am not aware of any anxiousness. I asked whether it could be from the infusion (I receive sodium ferritin gluconate), and was told it was probably just stress and I should take Tylenol and Benadryl an hour before my next infusion and that would help. He asked about the energy levels and I told him I think I feel slightly improved over last week (gone from limp dishrag status to limp noodle), but that I'm still having menstrual/vaginal bleeding which has been non-stop since before I saw him on the 9th of February, and that I was sure that wasn't helping. I got a non-committal noise in response and was told that he didn't expect to see a drastic improvement, but that I would slowly improve.

I ended up feeling like I'd been a bother and a hypochondriac, and not having any more idea about what is going on or what will happen next than I had before. I'll probably try again to make an appointment with my Gyn, though they don't want to see me while I'm bleeding, but want me to call when I stop so that they can work me in within a couple of days. The problem is, I haven't stopped bleeding for more than 24 hours in over a month. It usually isn't heavy, just steady most of the time, but enough to be gross and uncomfortable and embarrassing for me and unpleasant for anyone examining me. And I'm scared to go for an painful pelvic exam without Greg to stand by my head and hold my hand like he did the last couple of times. Maybe I do need to just stop worrying about what is causing the problem and just deal with the symptoms.

I feel lost, alone, and totally unable to cope.

I'm trying hard not to reach for the Benadryl again tonight, but it was really nice having a few hours of blankness last night. I'd dearly love to do that again, but instead I'm going to try going for a drive and maybe out to IHOP or to a movie if I can find something that sounds remotely worth going to alone. Or maybe I'll just go to the store, which will be closing soon, and get some work done at my own pace on my own time. I don't know. or maybe i'll just go to bed.